In Memory of Sam

Safe in the Arms of Jesus - a sketch by Alice

I feel that I have a secret.  Many people actually know it, but no one talks about it.  Some people ask about it and I'm grateful for them because I need to talk about it...I need to remember the baby we lost.

We found out over Thanksgiving, on my birthday to be precise.  I was almost 10 weeks along when we visited the ER in Sioux City on a Saturday and were told by a stranger that my body was ending the pregnancy and it felt the world came crashing down around me.  We had just spent Thanksgiving day revealing the pregnancy to Jerod's family, I was showing and had been for about a month, all of my coworkers knew- what was I supposed to tell them? 

If you have ever been pregnant you know that it doesn't matter how far along you are, as soon as you find out, you start dreaming and making plans and imagining how life will change and who your child will grow to be.  You plan an entire lifetime in the matter of a few weeks, and when you find out you're miscarrying you feel as though a rug has just been ripped out from under your feet.  Sure we never got to hold our baby or see his face, but we loved him from the very moment we knew he existed, and then he died and we lost a child.

In the beginning we tried to focus on all of the "positives".  We focused on the fact that it happened early on in the pregnancy, and that we were able to be with family when we found out.  We focused on it being just 'one of those things' that you have no control over. But the reality of the situation is, no matter how you spin it and try to focus on the so-called up-side of things- it still hurts.  And, besides losing your baby, the worst part is that we're made to feel like it is so wrong to talk about it.  Why do we try to downplay such a tragic event that happens to SO many? 

Tori Amos has had three miscarriages, did you know that?  I didn't.  She did an interview and put it so well: "It's like a thief in the night.  You go in to this emergency room an ecosystem, and you leave barren." 

I know that someday we'll see Sam again, that's what we named the baby by the way.  I believe he or she will be in their baby form to greet us when we leave this Earth.  I just wish that more people discussed this subject so that people who fall victim to it don't feel so alone.  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  I don't want anyone to be confused either, I am so happy for all our friends who are having successful pregnancies, I pray for every one of them to continue with no problems and can't wait to see their families grow.  We will continue our own prayers and try to look forward to the future, I just want to be sure I don't forget about Sam along the way.